photo for the headstone

photo for the headstone, originally uploaded by cooliceblue.

Wednesday 8th September

A visit to mental health services. Very interesting day.

After work met up with Val to go to a meeting of the Teenage Cancer Trust bereaved parents group. The usual sad / happy experience. Unfortunately the person who facilitates the meeting wasn't there. Still find it useful but it's better when someone makes sure everyone gets to have their say. I'm usually good at doing that in a group but at this one I'm there for me.

Part of the discussion reminded me of something I wrote yesterday for my Life Is For Living blog:

Sad/happy

I used to be sad sometimes. And sometimes I'd be happy. It doesn't really happen like that now.

I can be sad/happy. Or I can be happy/sad.

I can be both sad and happy at the same time. A few years ago I didn't know this was possible.

How to explain? I use to listen to Martin's music and I'd enjoy it, be excited by it and proud of his skill and talent. Now I listen and I feel sad and unhappy about my loss and about Martin not being able to create more and develop his skills and work with others and create music and lyrics from life and experience and ..... But I'm still enjoying it and excited and proud and happy. Sad/happy.

And then when I'm happy I'm often filled by this feeling that something is missing and then I remember and feel happy/sad. I'm still happy. But I'm also sad. Happy/sad.

When I get home the photo I ordered to go on the headstone on Martin's grave has arrived. Ultra fast service.